Each one of us, we are all on some form of a search to find ourself. Most all of us will get lost at some point along our journey. Okay, who are we kidding. We will all get lost at one point or another. If you are reading this and you are thinking to yourself that you have never felt lost and you have always guided your path with great thought and never lost light…well my friend, you are lying to yourself and you have farther to travel than you think. The truth is, your only lying to yourself. This doesn’t hurt me nor anyone else. Just you. Whatever enlightenment it may be that we are placed here to find is an individual journey. I have come to discover this with great certainty. No one can find my journey for me or even tread my path. There are no billboards, no bright lights. Likewise, there are no mile markers. The journey is quiet, dark and found inside. It is a lifelong journey that we will take. Each day we make a choice that directs our fate in one way or another.
Contemplating on these thoughts has lead me to a new and unfamiliar path within myself. Self fullfillment. Take in both of those words. Breathe in. What are the scenes that play in your mind? Where are you? What are you doing? Are these the things that make you happy? Are you imagining your journey there? Do you see nothing because you are lost in the dark right now? Take a moment and close your eyes. Visualize yourself in the moment where you realize that you have actually achieved self fullfillment. It may be moments from now, or who knows when. We all have our own journey to make. I am realizing that everyday I can chose to swallow it up or allow it to swallow me. For far too long I have been swallowed. Now, I want to open myself and take each moment in. They say “Seize the day.” Have you ever thought of what that means exactly? To throw caution to the wind and do things you’ve never done before? Or maybe it’s to do the things you do everyday that you love. Maybe seizing the day really means to sit and stare at the stars, drink a glass of wine and think about the present day as a whole and accept all that it is and will be. Honestly, I see it just like this: like the paths we take, the enlightment we receive, this too, is an individual definition. We must decide what it means to us, and not “us” as a group but us as individuals.
Ask yourself this, what is it that you want to look back upon when you are moments from your last breath? The wonderful job you had that gave you excess? Your children, spouse, grandchildren? I think about this even now as I write these words. My answer to my own question is simply this… yes but no. Not so simple, I am aware. Allow me to explain. I do want to look back on those that I love with great grattiutide and affection. However, that is not what I will remember. I do not want to remember the people as their individual selves. I want to remember the moments. The moments I had with them. Even now, do you remember a person specifically or do you remember a moment in time that you had with them? My point is this… on my own journey, I just want to make memories. Lots of them. Sure, I want to make money, do what I love, etc, etc. It is however, imperitive that I make memories whilst doing these things. So, again, what is my own self fullfillment? Do I feel fullfilled? Or more blatanly, am I happy? These questions do make me smile slightly and almost cause me to laugh a little. Are you fullfilled yet? Are you happy? I am satisfied. For now. I am navigating my way through my own life. I am not allowing anyone to lead me, it wouldn’t be my path then, would it? I can wake up and be okay with the sun illuminating what is around me. I can close my eyes and know that I have lived another day. I have loved my kids and I believe that they know they are loved unconditionally. I have been the best wife that I know how to be. I have listened intently and been a friend. Most importantly, I have been myself, I did not waiver on that. When I was lost, I admitted it. I am perfectly imperfect. I can close my eyes and know that even still, if I do not open them again, I still would have wanted more. To experience more, to love more, to do more, to be more. But afterall, isn’t that what we all want anymore? More? Life is lived in such an excess anymore… so maybe our self fullfillment will be the wanting of less. Who Knows, right?
One Life. One Love. ONE GOD.